Treating Our Children as Teachers

It is often said that as we go through life, we come to carry a suitcase with us.  This proverbial suitcase refers to our own, often somewhat unresolved, emotional baggage, that can, at times, seem burdensome, and interfere with our daily lives.  But children have a unique way of moving us past that burden of baggage, and challenging us to be present, in the moment, attentive to each of their varying needs and desires.

Pause for a moment and imagine a therapist’s office.  While this image will be different for every reader, some pictures that come to mind may include two upholstered armchairs or a couch gently positioned opposite one another, some dimmed lighting, or a relatively soundproof space, with colours that seek to evoke feelings of calm, comfort, and security. 

Now pause for a moment and imagine a child or a teenager entering that space.  The young client sits down in the armchair, the professional begins to engage in “therapy,” and the child or teenager quickly loses interest.  Children and teens, and even some adults, often require something else, even something untraditional, from their therapy. 

A few years ago, one of my colleagues asked me, “Do you play chess during therapy?”  To that stage, I had not considered bringing a chessboard into sessions.  The following week, I greeted my young client for their session.  They noticed the chessboard on the table, and without any further suggestion from me, they proceeded to set up the chess pieces. 

Game on.

What happened during this session was markedly different to any prior engagement with this young client.  They were intently focused for the duration of the session and gameplay, coupled with my presence, helped them to regulate their emotions and remain calm.  They delighted in capturing and knocking over my pieces (which led to a thoughtful conversation about their own feelings of power).  And when they won the match, they explained where my strategy led to my defeat. 

“Great things can happen when we treat our children as teachers.”

I asked, “What is like for you to teach an adult how to play chess better?”

They said, “It feels great.  I feel confident and strong.  I like winning.  I feel like I’ve connected with you on a different level.”

We explored this young client’s feelings in greater depth, a conversation that helped the client enjoy an experience of attachment, moments of connection in which their therapist was attuned to their personal interests and emotional needs.  Attachment and attunement are critical aspects for the success of therapy. 

A friend once taught me that when his young son would come home from school, he would ask, “How was your day?”  He admitted that the conversation often went nowhere.  One time he grabbed two baseball gloves and a ball and invited his son outside for a game of catch.  As they threw the ball around, my friend noticed that his son shared more details about his day.  By providing his full, undivided attention and presence, and by using an activity that interested his son, my friend built a deeper connection with his child.

Our sessions with clients need not always be “by the book” or “traditional.”  Sometimes, the best practice may involve following our client’s lead or interest, which in and of itself provides entrance to how and where they find meaning in their lives.  In my practice, I find that most of my clients are seeking a relational connection with their therapist, which then assists them in healing other relationships in their lives. 

There is much to be learned by playing chess in a therapy session, because the activity itself is here-and-now, grounded in the present moment.  The same holds true for other games (even sharing in playing a video game together).  If the young client is able, and bursting with energy, conducting an activity outside, in the fresh air, may foster a stronger connection. 

My young clients have taught me to carry a different kind of suitcase into our sessions.  This suitcase contains Play-Doh, colourful materials for arts and crafts, and a selection of two-player games where we can engage with one another (Uno is a favourite).  Sometimes, I even find that my older clients lean toward gameplay as a way of connecting with their own inner child. 

Great things can happen when we treat our children as our teachers.